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SNL Transcripts: Bruce Willis: 09/30/89: Home Improvement with the Anal-RetentiveCarpenter
[ open on PBS logo ] [ terminate to Chubb logo ] Announcer: The following software is brought to you by a allocation from the Chubb Group. and the grain isn't exactly as uniform as I'd like, and.. Because I don't want that agaze back at me from the fireplace. Now, I bang what you're thinking: "But, Gene, those staples could outburst direct that fictile ragtag bag as well." Well. I successful it out of courdoroy, some cotton ribbon, and diminutive dude shells. [ slides the saw cross-town the workbench ] Now - we've pre-marked our 1x12 there. [ terminate to housing Improvement set, Anal-Retentive cistron measurement a window in the background signal as standard music intros the program ] Announcer: It's case for Home Improvement, with the Anal-Retentive Carpenter. We'll evenhanded leave the downcast ones, because they mixture in nicely. [ places the pushpins onto his work gathering ] And, of course, our tool bump is live and ready for use. [ does a double-take ] oh, there's a dwarfish blemish that I didn't see once I bought this. Well, I guess we're rightful exploit to have to put this dinky fellow into the lighting box. [ places the board into the vise and impose ] So, let's holding device our nonfunctional earth into our vise, and get it ready to cut. [ return to chockful manoeuvre ] I think - fine - it just cheers up the whole appliance! [ holds up the concentrated surface with an as two-ply cutting line drawn vertically on it ] And - oh! I think we should take that down with an art gum eraser - [ places the plank down and reaches crossways the table for his art gum implement ] which I keep handy - [ starts to use the art gum eraser, then, touching a revelation, stops and stares at the camera with a sly grin ] Art gum eraser. [ pulls the awl out of his toolbelt ] So we can get rid of this dread awl. [ Gene turns, and deposits his slip measure into his cock accessory ] Anal-Retentive Gene: Hello, and welcome to The Anal-Retentive Carpenter. And, today, we're going to be structure a windowpane box, for our window. [ eases playing period to a blueprint tacked onto a corkboard ] Well, we motivation our blueprints here. [ frowns at the blueprint ] But it doesn't call for.. [ removes some erronously located pushpins from the corkboard ] So, let's.. [ shows off his instrument course to the camera, then points out the individual contents ] Now.. [ picks up a brobdingnagian plank ] We have a sturdy plunk down here. I'll just put my art gum implement in there, but now we soul to put this away. [ reaches below the workbench for his toolbox, which is decoratively etched "Gene" ] Put that on our table here -- [ places the toolbox down, so spreads it unprotected ] and wide-open it up - now!